As the Fibro-World Turns

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and IBS in July 2010 (about 30% of Fibro-folks have ibs too). I haven't written about it yet because I've been trying to figure out whether or not I accept the diagnoses. 

It's November 4th now, and I do. 

The National Fibromyalgia Association (NFA) defines it as such: Fibromyalgia (FM) is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities. Here's a full list of symptoms: http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer?pagename=fibromyalgia_symptoms. I have most of these on a daily basis. 

At first I wasn't telling anyone about this because fibromyalgia is one of those things I've always put on par with the hysteria diagnoses Freud liked to give us women. I didn't really believe in it, but now that I have to spend the first two hours of my day hurting and dry heaving, and the rest of my day fatigued and aching like I have swine flu, I'm beginning to place some validity in my diagnosis. 

The treatment boils down to something like "don't do things that stress you out, and do things that enhance relaxation." Hmmm. Sounds easy enough right? Next week I start acupuncture treatment, I started getting weekly massages about 3 weeks ago, I try to walk most days of the week (about an hour most sessions), I meditate daily. I do take ibuprofen when the aches get to be too much, but generally I don't like to take meds. The other drugs I've been prescribed--flexeril, Tramadol, even codeine, but they just knock me out. I do take a low dose of zoloft to help my mood about all this. Ginger tabs, teas and broths do help my tummy. 

I'll be trying to add in yoga and tai chi in the coming weeks - stay tuned. In the end though - it seems that these symptoms will stay with me - so the treatment is really just treating the symptoms, as far as I can tell, not solving them. 

The NFA says that the hardest part of having fibromyalgia is adjusting to the fact that you can't do as much as you used to--they're right. I battle this one all the time. When you are feeling better, it's easy to think that you've been making this all up, but as soon as you try to go back to your old ways--getting up at 4am to do your writing, handling homework chores with the teens, cooking and cleaning the house, etc.--and Whammo! you are back in bed. 

Rattlesnake point

Kenny and I got back last night from two nights out at my dad, Ran and Warren’s old camping spot, Rattlesnake Point. Ran took us to show us the history and to make some new memories. This is just outside of Yuma on the Cali side of the river. Ferguson Lake area - outside of Winterhaven. There's a tucked away spot about 45 minutes out on a dirt road, by the river/lake where we had our own peninsula of sorts. Mountains and desert behind us - lots of reeds, mud hens, fishing birds, and lake in front of us--it was very quiet - big expansive sky full of moon and stars at night, and clouds and blue sky in the day - perfect.

Kenny and Ran fished the majority of the time, and I cooked, read, meditated and walked with Rosie.

Kenny (I'm sure) is making my dad smile from ear to ear (wherever his energy floats). The kid caught several fish, baited his own hook, casted his own line, and even cleaned the fish for us to eat. We had quite a feast of Crawpy on our second night ;-).

It's so funny to now have this connection to Ran. There was a time that I thought I might not see him ever again. Then there was some time back when he and my dad and Warren all reconnected, and thank goodness. Ran was so wonderful with Kenny - and really seemed to enjoy him so much. I can't express how wonderful that is, how happy it would make my dad to see Kenny out there fishing. He really seems to enjoy it too - very self motivated about it.

So we spent two nights - Ran and Ken down by the water (kenny dove in a couple times too) and me up on top reading, writing, taking long walks on all the mountain ridges around camp.

Next time -we're going back in December - we're going to take all my dad's crazy floating fishing gear for ken to try out - I'm hoping to get Stephen, Ben, and Sophia in on the gig too - we can take bikes, kayak -whatever.

So a big thanks to "uncle" Ran- I'm so happy to have him in my life. who knew?

It's nice to be away from the depth of my grief now, and on to experiencing come of the happy energy my dad and Warren always put out in the world. Here's to carrying that tradition on.

Take care all, and Toodles, 

Mar

 -

Click It! Picture Diaries: An easier way to keep track of what you eat

Picture Diaries: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/dining/07camera.html?pagewanted=2&ref=general&src=me.

This article is about blogging pictures of your food, but it made me think that it would be a great way to keep track of what you are eating when you are out and about (without scratch paper). Enjoy! And do share your thoughts - or tips for keeping on track with your eating goals. Thanks!

JOIN PREVENTION'S FLATTEN YOUR BELLY FAST TEST PANEL

If you’re looking to flatten your belly before summer, then join Prevention magazine’s latest test panel to try out our new Flatten Your Belly Fast workout. This easy 4 week program will teach you to sculpt your core quickly and simply, and it’s based on the latest research! Interested?
We’d love to hear from you if you meet the following criteria:

• Within driving distance of Allentown, PA. You’ll need to come to Emmaus at least 5 times.
• No more than 20 pounds overweight (a healthy weight is fine, too)
• Haven’t exercised regularly (less than 3 times a week) for the past 3 months.
• Age 40 to 60
• Available the morning of Wednesday 3/24/10 for pre-testing and program instruction at Rodale’s Energy     Center in Emmaus, PA. It may be as late as 11 a.m.
• Able to return to the Energy Center every Wednesday for 4 weeks (through April 21) for testing (each visit will be about 15 minutes).
• Willing to be photographed and videotaped for the magazine and its website.

If you would like to be considered for this test panel, please email Marianne McGinnis, ma.mcginnis@gmail.com and tell us why you should be a part of the group. Include your name, age, address, phone number, email, occupation, height, weight, and a full-body photo by March 17th.

Citrus trees, etc. update

So - I sent out a neighborhood email today about our interest in harvesting nearby citrus trees, and the responses have been quick and encouraging. Within hours of sending the E. several neighbors responded inviting us over. Be careful what you wish for...we now appear to have a very busy weekend, but the boys are into it, so that pretty much has me all peachy. The first couple to invite us over, said that we can clear off their lemon tree. Ben is always using up all my lemons for his homemade lemonade (that's his way of getting back at me for not buying soda), so he is thrilled to get his hands on an abundance of these little yellow jewels.

On a final note for today, to show you all what a good sport my Stephen is, here's a pic of him with three of our four animals. My hubby is NOT an animal person, but he knows I'm crazy about them, so he puts up with them. He's the best.

Toodles, Mar

How to De-screen tweens or teens, have fun, and NOT spend a dime

Knock Knock. Who's There? Orange you glad they're not watching TV?

This is a bit of what I see on the daily walks I take in my hood. As my neighbor put it:

"A lot of bounty, but not a lot of interest," 

 I had just been telling him that I'd like to use these trees as an opportunity to get my young teens out doing some community work. Yes, I want to get my hands on a bit of the grapefruits, lemons, avocados, figs, and oranges that are all within walking distance of my abode, but I also want to see less waste overall. Plus I suspect that several of my neighbors are elderly or unable for another reason. I'd like to do a little of "I'll scratch your back..." and also get to know my neighbors a bit. And finally, I need a way to get my boys out of the house, and off the screen. They do not like to play sports, walking is boring, and so is walking the dog--but this idea they like (as much as a teen ever likes a parents ideas). So it goes.

I have a letter in the works that I'm going to put in mailboxes around here. I'm sharing my above proposition and also inviting other parents who want to get their kids out to join us. Here's crossing my fingers that it'll work.

Stay tuned.

It's been more than a year, so why can't I stop crying?

Actually, I've been doing pretty darn great lately, but I've learned that this isn't a guarantee that I won't break down tomorrow. It's been a little more than a year now since my dad died, and I thought I'd be "all better" by now.

And that's why I was grateful to find an article by Meghan O'Rourke, called "Good Grief," while listening to my latest favorite podcast, To The Best of Our Knowledge (click here for the segment). O'Rourke's story, and her interview are the closest thing I've found to a proper description of what grieving is really like, from the physical hit your body takes including a less than perfect immune system, to the length of time it takes to get over losing someone altogether:

"...even “normal” grief often endures for at least two years rather than weeks, peaking within six months and then dissipating. Additional studies suggest that grief comes in waves, welling up and dominating your emotional life, then subsiding, only to recur."

Also helpful, O'Rourke explores the ideas and feelings of what authors and researchers have to say, and she offers a reading list that you can see here.

This article and these references would have been a great help to me during the first 12 months after my Pops had passed, maybe they'll be helpful to you or someone you love.

Input please. Duck off! You Elohssa. What's your favorite way to NOT cuss?

After my 13-er had another run in with his shoddy ability to control his impulses, Ben and I have come up with the following ways to cuss and not get busted for it. We've gone for Duck, Luck, Buck, or Schmuck - for you know what b/c it works in all it's forms: Duck off, Schmuck You, or Mother Lucker. Ben also likes to go for backwards words when it sounds right - like Elohssa (we say it "eee-low-sa").

What are your (and your kids') favorite ways of not cussing - or cussing creatively? And yes - I know the word is cursing - but cussing sounds so much better.

Being on TV, sort of...

I love being on live TV, it's fast and loose, but you do make yourself vulnerable to things like apartment fires that can cut your already minuscule segment into mere seconds. 

I guess fire (even when no one was hurt) is more interesting than getting fit or keeping your heart healthy - so it goes. I haven't found a clip of my three minutes yet, but if I do, I'll post it here. The bottom line is that I did wonderfully. Well, that's what Mom says (thanks Mom) - I think she was the only one up 6:30am to see me (we cancelled our cable a few months back, so none of my clan watched it). 

Marianne on Fox 5 San Diego this morning, talking about race day tips

For any of you early birds out there - try to catch me on Fox 5 San Diego talking about a 5/10K hosted by Prevention Magazine. I'll be discussing heart healthy strategies, as well as race day tips. More information is available at prevention.com/run.

Want success with your teen? Try a cup of tea with Dr. Jane Nelsen (of course)!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of sharing my home, and a cup of tea with Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, author of the Positive Discipline (PD) series of books, podcasts, websites, etc. etc. As always she made me feel like another one of her many children - and I found myself blathering away like an excited school kid. If you've been lucky enough to attend a workshop or class taught by Jane then you already know how she can make the most impossible parent/kid situation feel doable - and in fact - wonderful. She completely improved my relationship with my own children years ago. She is a wealth of information. Not least because she has seven grown kids of her own - and an uncountable number of grandkids.

Fortunately I didn't steal all of the words from our visit. Jane told me about

Weight goes up with age, but BMI can still be healthy - so am I okay?

I hear this again and again - we should avoid gaining weight as we age (at all costs), but for the vast majority of us (me included) weight does go up as we get older.

Now here's the thing that jams my brain up: If my BMI still remains healthy as my weight goes up, is that okay? (You can figure your BMI here . Just choose the adult or child version as appropriate.) And yes, my waist is still in the healthy range too, but my weight has gone up. Here's the confession - when I married Stephen I weighed

Homemade granola recipe and more bread

Yesterday my 13 year old said, "You know what you should make Mom? Granola." I was lucky enough to have the ingredients on hand - so I threw this Granola together. It's super easy. I used what was on hand - Here's the recipe:

Great morning, Friday night surprise, and dough recipe for sandwich bread, cinnamon rolls and much much more

Here you go everyone. My rolls were fabulous (Fabulous Darling!) if I do say so myself, see the recipe below if interested. Mar's Cafe is in it's third day of successful operation (save for the fact that I haven't done the dishes yet), and we just found out that the boys have a school function--no parents allowed! How cool is that? 

fantabulous!

Thanks for the requests - here's the recipe I've been making recently. 

It yields two loaves. You can also use the dough for the second loaf for yummy cinnamon rolls, and more...

A view from our stroll this morning. Pretty Nice.

Yes, yes, here's the Bread Recipe It's from author Deborah Madison:

Desert Vigil, Mindful PMSing, and cinnamon buns, mmmmm

spreading ashes

boys on the mtn

desert sky

Last week on 1/28/10 we spread Dad and Warren's ashes in Bow Willow as both of them requested. You can see all of us climbing up to the Ocotillo in the place Dad told us to go to. Dad said that he and Warren used to come back into this area because it had a great echo. Warren would play around on his recorder and the sounds would bounce off the surrounding rocks. The weather was amazing. Cool/Hot like only the desert can be. My brother Danny played us a Reilly and Maloney song (Inside of Me) that Dad used to sing, on Dad's Taylor guitar. We sat Dad and Warren's ashes on a beautiful Blanket that Diane Driver knit for my family while we all listened and shared about these two fantastic men. It's so like Warren and my dad to make last requests that forces all of us to get back out in the desert and the forest to commune (We'll get some of Dad's ashes up to the redwoods too). Thanks for getting us out there you two crazy ole guys.

Onto PMS and being mindful (don't worry, no pictures). I'm having good PMS days this cycle around. Really. It isn't an oxymoron (and neither am I). At 42, thanks to nightly night sweats, and daily hot flashes, not to mention insane mood swings I've learned the importance of appreciating the subtle ways I've been able to influence my PMS days (when I remain mindful).

Every month is not the same. Sometimes my PMS (usually, my family would say) arrives and I'm an emotional flighty basket case for a week, other times I'm able to channel it into more positive results, even if I don't always feel so great. That's what's happening this time, thankfully, and I think it has to do with the Buddhist factor. Specifically, with Pema Chodron's writings. If you haven't ever heard this incredible woman, consider checking her out. Thanks to one of my fabulous editors (and friend), Dianne Lange, who turned me onto Pema's book When Things Fall Apart I've been introduced to the idea of using her philosophy to address difficulties--physical, mental or emotional.

OOOH - time to back those yummy cinnamon buns. More on Pema and Mindful PMS later.

Sometimes it just all comes together

This probably doesn't look that great, but it tasted awesome, and was totally easy. 

First I mixed together a couple Tbsp of peanut butter, a little minced ginger, 1/4 cup or so of soysauce, a little water, chopped serano chile (to taste), and a little lemon to make a peanuty sauce. Then, I just prepped whatever veggies I had, potatoes, snow peas, baby broccoli, zucchini, onion, garlic, mushrooms - and then I put them in the wok (already heated with some peanut oil) in order of toughness (potatoes and onions first, zucchini last, for example), and some diced tofu. When they were all tender crisp I added the peanut sauce, covered the pan partially and turned the heat to medium low. It came out as a thai stew. Yum. 

Rosie the dog, finished bread, cinnamon rolls TK, mmmmmm cinnamon rolls

It's been a fairly productive day. You'll see what the dough turned into here, I hiked the mountain (good Lord I am out of shape) with Tina, super fitness Mama (gasp, she's so patient with me), I had Mom over for lunch--leftover curried potatoes and other veggies from last night (yum) and a salad with feta, simple and all organic (Michael Pollen would be proud), and then (yes, Honey) I did some productive writing work (woo hoo).

I've got to go grab the boys from the trolley in about 10 minutes (here's a fairly recent sketch of the two knuckleheads).

Oh, Meet Rosie. She's 10 months old and the baby of the house, and my little princess. You'll see her among my  other cast of animals from time to time. Rosie came to me about 3 months after my dad died. She looks like my Dad did: she's bearded, cuddly, and a total goofball. In some weird way Rosie has helped ease the new reality of the world without my dad in it.

Kenny just called, "Get in the car now mom." Toodles All.

8:30am - kids are gone, kitchen is closed, bread is rising

Not bad for the first morning. I stuck to my guns. I opened my Cafe from 7 to 8am as promised and had a variety of breakfast foods available. Kenny made it down at 7:45am, Ben didn't make it at all (no breakfast for the 13 year old). We were able to leave on time to put the boys on the trolley to school, that saves money and time. I also was able to get bread going (this will be two loaves by tonight).

I'm thinking I might be able to sell bread to my neighbors. Another way to become self sufficient. Hmmmmm.

So is this successful so far? My kitchen is cleaner than it is left most mornings, I have bread going, the boys made it to the trolley...not bad.

toodles.

Chicken Lady: How do you hire a mentor?

Sorry in advance Tommie, I'll need to think of a name that better reflects you and your home, but for now owning 13 chickens in my neighborhood does make you the Chicken Lady.

I've been toying with the idea, and working on persuading Stephen, that getting chickens and a dairy goat or two would a good idea in my search to go back to center. Meeting Tommie was the first step. She's just 5 years ahead of me chronologically, but she's way back to center, compared to me. Worm compost, full beautiful garden, great coop and chicken system, etc etc. I was careful not to ask too many questions because I don't want to freak her out with how overzealous I can be, but man would I love to hire this woman as my off-the-grid mentor.

Goal: Use as many of Tommie's eggs as I can, so I can go back for more asap.

Kitchen closed progress report

It's six am and the kitchen is clean. At least for now, the family seems willing to play my restaurant game. They followed my new rules last night cheerfully (it's always fun when it's new), and after dinner the boys had one of the best play sessions I've seen since they were 7 and 8.

Mar's Cafe - day one

So, I deliverd the news to my family - not everyone's at home yet, so they are all "Here goes Mom again, just lay low Dude and it'll blow over," and Stephen's thinking "Is she really having PMS already again?" But they're going to see. I told them that I was going to put it on my blog and facebook page (that'll show em).

I set the kitchen all up - I'll get a picture up here of it - so that there's a definite owner/customer feel.

Kenny (12) gave the most dramatic sighs and eye rolls. Sophia (19) Facebook chatted with me that she thought it would be fun to play restaurant, and Ben, bless that boy, says, "Well that doesn't sound so bad," when I explained my operating hours. I have a sign hung up reading

MAR'S CAFE

HOURS OF OPERATION

SCHOOL DAYS,

Breakfast 7 to 8am,

Afterschool snack (if home) 4 to 5pm,

Dinner and lunchpacking 6 to 8pm

WEEKENDS

To be determined by the owner

The Owner reserves the right to refuse service to anyone.

Wanted: dishwasher

And, la de da

On another note, I have a date to meet my neighbor today, a woman named Tommie who has 13 chickens and sells eggs. (remember the blog is called Back to Center - this is the centering part).

The Kitchen is Closed!

[Well, either I've gone psycho, am PMSing, or this is a really creative experiment]

Dear Family,

Please read the following words carefully.

This letter is to inform you that this kitchen is off limits effective immediately.

Last night I asked everyone to clean up their dishes—to wash them and put them in the drainer—which started a very amusing game (to all of you) of “not it.” So guess who was it for more than 2 hours this morning?  

I feel that you all get a pretty good deal in this house. I try to do all of your laundry, I try to cook and clean for you, and I ask for your participation—let me rephrase—I cajole, beg, plead, persuade, yell, threaten, order, etc. you to help me run this house. Your father works hard and tries to help me as much as he can, so for the most part, this ranting is not about him. Well, no more.

The fact is that this is MY kitchen. I stock it, clean it, cook in it, and provide food for and serve all of YOU in it. From this point forward it will be run as a restaurant. You may not help yourself to anything in this kitchen. I repeat – you may not enter the kitchen! There will be absolutely no self service!

Here are the hours of operation:

Breakfast:

• School days – the kitchen will be open for breakfast from 7 to 8am – that is it. And it is only open at this time for eating breakfast. I will put out a choice of what is available.
• Weekends: The kitchen is off limits until Mom gets up and is in the kitchen managing it. Probably by 8am, but I reserve the right to open late if I wake up late, and will close the kitchen 2 hours after I open.

Lunches

·         School days: I will allow a period of time the night before school days for you to make your lunches. Probably right before, or right after the dinner hours.

o       NO morning packing whatsoever.

o       If you forget the night before, you will owe me one hour of work within that 24 hours for me to give you something to take.

o       If you don’t want to work, or pay me for this lunch – you can go hungry until afterschool.

·         Weekends – I will have foods available from 12 to 3pm. If you choose not to eat during this time, you can wait until dinner food is provided.

Dinner – I will either provide something - or will put out make-your-own options. Food will be available from 6 to 8pm.

Snacks – I will put out available snack foods at 4pm and they will stay out till 5pm.

I do love you all very much, and these actions are in large part a result of the realization that I’m not doing any of you (not to mention your future families-to-be) any favors when I allow you to treat me like a servant. I deserve better, and you deserve to know better.

Mom/Marianne

Important Rules:

1. You may not go into the cupboards or fridge for any food. You have lost this privilege. Whatever is available to you will be on the bar. If it isn’t on the bar, it isn’t for you.
2. You may only go into the kitchen to clean, wash or cook, and only with Mom’s permission.
3. If Mom is not at home and comes home to her kitchen being in any way different than she left it – the offending party will hand over his or her phone and all screen time for the next 24 hours.
4. When you eat, you will eat at the kitchen table. NO where else.
5. No dishes should be taken up or downstairs.
6. You will wash the dishes and utensils you use immediately. No sitting in the sink. Here’s how you wash dishes:
1. Turn on the water as hot as you can stand to touch. Get a sponge soapy in this water. Scrub the dish, cup, glass, utensil with this sponge until all visible food is off.
2. Rinse in water as hot as you can stand until you no longer see or feel any suds.
3. Dry off dish with a clean dish towel and put it away!
4. Make sure the sink is rinsed out and left clean for the next person. Squeeze out sponge and leave on side of sink.

*If you break any of the rules of Mom’s Kitchen, I reserve the right to refuse you service.

A reason to write

“Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.”
–Anne Dillard, The Writing Lifehttp://urbanhomestead.org/journal/

Do Magazines Lie?

I've spent most my writing career telling people that what I'm doing is an accident. It's true too. I never meant to be a writer. Especially not a service magazine health writer. Quippy, ever-cheerful, and pert are not my normal set of traits. I was supposed to be a veterinarian, a forest ranger, a farmer, an actor, a psychologist - a lot of things, maybe even some sort of angst-driven creative writer, but not this.

And don't get me wrong - as far as jobs go - it's great. Young people all over NY kill to be the sort of indentured slave I fell into being.

It's not the writing or describing things that I despise, it's the twisting of facts. To clarify: The magazines I write for go to their utmost (for the most part) to make sure that the t's are crossed and all that, but they are still experts (lawyers sort of) of bending and warping words to shine light on a sexier part of a study, shall we say, than was meant to be shone.

A common phrase from my editors is: "if it doesn't have a big body payoff don't even bother." 10 pounds in 3 weeks, drop a size in one month, etc. etc. I've come to believe that this is wrong. I used to think - hey, whatever gets you to start the article is fine as long as I make sure that the article really will benefit you. But what I'm really doing - as are many of these articles - is setting up unrealistic expectations. More on that later...

Three

It's so hard to believe he isn't here any more. 

Second

So my hubby and I were talking tonight about what's wrong with fitness and fitness magazines, and the whole fitness environment these days--here's what we came up with.

What I don't like is that fitness has been put in a vacuum. You go to the gym, sweat like mad, and then sit on your butt the other 23.5 hours of the day.

So Stephen says, "What you need is a reintegration of fitness." He's brilliant some times. This is just it. I think that the inherent value of exercise needs to be tied to what really matters. What matters then is life, and what makes life successful. Not walking on a treadmill or ellipting on an elliptical machine, but gardening, playing house for real, and moving our bodies for transportation.

Now, it's late, and a Monday, so I'm too tired and have put this off far too long, but I'll come back to the main point, which has something to do with Marx and alienation, but for now, toodles and good night.

One

"Well that was a success," said my husband, "we only had two arguments on our walk." It's true - it is a success. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my marriage, but we still have a lively relationship, and I know Stephen would agree.

The arguments, by the way, both had to do with different aspects of this blog. The second having something to do with how I needed to really study Andrew Sullivan's blog, The Dish as a model of how one should construct a blog. I think the idea of being compared to Sullivan was just too intimidating - I mean geez, couldn't he just suggest some Better Homes and Gardens blogger to begin with? That - I could handle. But my Hubby's suggestion that I try to measure up in some way to the number one guy in the blogiverse (if blogs have even been around that long) was just too much. And I can't even remember the first argument now, so it couldn't have been that important.

The reason I'm telling you all this in the first place, is that it did get me here. Writing my first entry after weeks of putting it off.

It's just that, what with being a health and fitness writer and all, I'm used to needing an expert, or a scientific study to justify my words - to give me a right (as many magazine editors have drilled into my head) to write about something. But since I've hit my forty-second year of life things have changed. I think I am an expert of a sort. I've been a personal trainer and worked as a fitness editor and writer for Prevention Magazine for the last decade. I've written hundreds of articles about fitness, weight loss, walking, parenting, teens, nutrition - really anything linked to health. I've talked on radio stations all over the nation about anything remotely linked to health, and done a small amount of TV too. I'm the mother of two teen boys, I've been step-mom to Sophia since she was 3 (now 19), I've managed to stay married for 14 plus years to a man I love dearly (but have wanted to strangle in the past), I was a caregiver to my father for 10 months in 2008, I lost him early in 2009, and I've spent the last year grieving and reassessing everything I believe about what it means to be healthy, to be well, whole, mindful, and fit.

This is probably similar to many 40-somethings. You lose a parent, and the world gets a lot more real. Your babies turn into teens and tower over you. The job you thought was It, disappears, or seems impossible. You get burned out, fed up with b.s., but I don't find myself doing this in the crabby way I've dealt with struggles in the past. I find myself wanting to share about my life because I think I'm among friends. I think that many of us are going through these same things, asking the same questions, worrying about common issues.

Nothing has been the same since my dad died--in both horrible and wonderful ways. The rug has been pulled out from under me, and I'm thankful for it. I'm re-examining my life - and Going Back to Center seems to be what works most successfully for me. Before and during my father's illness (pancreatic cancer), I was a fitness fanatic. I worked out about 2 hours a day, climbing a mountain and taking a high intensity class. I ate all the right things. By a lot of standards, I looked pretty darn healthy. The problem was that my marriage had been miserable for years, we both were drinking too much, fighting too much, and growing too far apart. Plus, I was alienated from my teen boys, I was depressed and angry. By all accounts I thought that life as I knew it was headed for a pile of steaming shit. And then, by going through the hardest thing since childbirth, losing my dad, I got my kids and husband back, a home to love - I feel like I've gotten back to my center, and I'm trying to explore this more deeply. That's what I'll be writhing about here via how I try to live my life, one mindful second after another.